and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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