I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
