Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
