i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
