i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
