Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
