I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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