She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
