; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
