what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
