the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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