EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
