The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
