when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
