I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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