so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
