this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
