a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
