Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize