i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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