I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
