Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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