Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize