What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
