I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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