My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
