my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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