She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
