Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
