His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I want a musical about memes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
