I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize