This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize