I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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