I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize