I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
