i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
