we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
