HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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