Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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