I wanna passion pit in your ass
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
