There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
