Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
