I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
