i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
