Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
