i was born a porn star she said
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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