I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
