She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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