During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
