If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
