dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I need a beard to bite.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
