So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
