Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
