Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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