Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
did you just send me my own nude
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
