I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
