i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
