i permit you to call me
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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