This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
