i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
