The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize