I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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